I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My life is pants optional.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
