I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The Olympian is in my bed
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
