I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
