So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
