my phone needs a breathalizer
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
