So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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