im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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