he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
