I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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