he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
