Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
