The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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