I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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