You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
