Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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