My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
