Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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