I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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