I faked an abortion last night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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