there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
