my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
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just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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