I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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