Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
They have beer where we have blood.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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