I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
