GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
