i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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