I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
