My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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