WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
