I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just sucked dick on a ferry