I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain