Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.