He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
