The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
