3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
