So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
