just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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