The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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