Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
