you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
