you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
