Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
