Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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