I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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