dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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