I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
