how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
