Too much gin, very little bucket
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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