dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
