I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
