So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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