There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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