apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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