oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
