We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
