My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
